Attachment Styles and How They Shape Relationships

How we connect with others in relationships often stems from early experiences with caregivers. These early patterns, known as attachment styles, influence how we relate to partners, friends, and even ourselves as adults.

Understanding your attachment style is not about labelling yourself as good or bad at relationships. It’s about gaining insight into your patterns so you can make thoughtful choices, build healthier connections, and respond to your emotional needs in ways that feel authentic and balanced.

What Are Attachment Styles?

Attachment styles are common ways people behave and feel in close relationships, especially during moments of emotional need or stress. They develop in childhood through how caregivers respond to a child’s needs and continue to affect relationships throughout life.

While attachment styles often persist, they are not fixed. With awareness, healing, and supportive relationships, it is possible to move toward a more secure way of relating.

There are four main attachment styles:

• Secure

• Anxious (Preoccupied)

• Avoidant (Dismissive)

• Disorganised (Fearful-Avoidant)

The Four Attachment Styles

Secure Attachment

Secure attachment develops when caregivers are consistently responsive, emotionally available, and attuned to a child’s needs. People with secure attachment tend to feel comfortable with closeness and independence.

In adult relationships, this often means trusting others and feeling trusted in return. Communication is usually open, needs are expressed clearly, and conflicts can be managed with a sense of safety. Securely attached people can express emotions honestly and offer support without fear of rejection or loss of self.

Example: Emma feels comfortable asking her partner for support when stressed and trusts that he will be there. She also enjoys spending time alone and values her independence.

Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment

Anxious attachment often results from inconsistent caregiving where a child’s needs were sometimes met but other times overlooked or delayed. Adults with this style tend to crave closeness and reassurance but worry about being abandoned or unloved.

They may feel highly sensitive to changes in their partner’s mood or communication, seeking frequent validation and fearing rejection even when it is not present. Relationships can feel intense and emotionally overwhelming.

Example: Liam often checks in multiple times a day with his partner and worries when she doesn’t respond quickly. He feels anxious when they are apart and sometimes misreads neutral interactions as signs of trouble.

Avoidant (Dismissive) Attachment

Avoidant attachment often develops when caregivers were emotionally distant or discouraged dependence. People with this style tend to value independence highly and may downplay the importance of close relationships.

They often find emotional intimacy uncomfortable and may keep others at a distance to protect themselves from vulnerability. Avoidantly attached adults may struggle to share feelings or rely on others, and can withdraw when emotional demands increase.

Example: Sarah prefers to handle problems on her own and rarely shares her feelings with her partner. She feels uneasy when conversations get too personal and may create distance when she feels overwhelmed.

Disorganised (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment

Disorganised attachment, also called fearful-avoidant, often stems from early experiences where caregivers were both a source of comfort and fear, such as trauma, neglect, or unpredictability.

This creates confusion and distress for a child because the person they turn to for safety is also a potential source of harm. The nervous system struggles to find a consistent way to seek safety, leading to complex patterns in relationships.

Adults with this style may deeply desire connection but also feel afraid of intimacy and unsure how to trust others. Emotional regulation can be challenging, and relationships may feel chaotic or overwhelming.

Example: Alex wants closeness but often feels afraid to fully open up, withdrawing when emotions become intense. He struggles with trust and sometimes feels conflicted about wanting and fearing intimacy.

Can Attachment Styles Change Over Time?

Attachment styles are shaped early but they are not set in stone. With self-awareness, supportive relationships, and healing, people can develop more secure ways of relating.

This journey may include:

• Recognising patterns with compassion rather than judgement

• Practicing clear and honest communication

• Building relationships that respect boundaries and emotional needs

• Exploring past experiences in therapy or counselling that offer safety and understanding

How Counselling Can Support Healing Attachment Patterns

Counselling provides a safe, supportive space to explore how your attachment style influences your relationships. A therapist can help you understand your patterns, process past experiences, and build new ways of relating that feel safer and more fulfilling.

Therapy is not about changing who you are. It is about helping you deepen your self-awareness so you can make choices in relationships that honour your needs and build trust, intimacy, and resilience.

Practical Tips for Working with Your Attachment Style

If you identify with anxious attachment:

• Practice self-soothing techniques like mindful breathing when anxiety arises

• Communicate your needs calmly and clearly without rushing for reassurance

• Build a support network outside of your romantic relationships

If you identify with avoidant attachment:

• Start small by sharing one feeling or thought with a trusted person

• Reflect on your fears around intimacy and consider what safety looks like for you

• Practice leaning into vulnerability at your own pace

If you identify with fearful-avoidant attachment:

• Work with a therapist trained in trauma-informed care to build emotional regulation skills

• Develop routines and relationships that provide consistent safety and predictability

• Be patient with yourself and recognise healing is a gradual process

For everyone:

• Learn to recognise your emotional triggers and respond with kindness to yourself

• Foster relationships where mutual respect and communication are valued

• Remember that your attachment style is just one part of who you are and can evolve

Understanding your attachment style can be a powerful step toward healthier, more satisfying relationships. With support, insight, and patience, you can nurture connections that feel secure, authentic, and nourishing.